notes to self

I’m starting to regret not doing more of my work last week when I barely had anything actually due…..my laziness is increasing -.- ..regretting it since these next weeks are going to be packed w/stuff. There’s the design projects, art heritage exam - that I NEED to pass since I failedd the first one T-T - and 2 papers….and a group project eventually too. After 3 semesters of this you’d think one would get it and learn from before. Funny thing tho is I’m not alone at least…typical college life hahahaa but then knowing that you’d also think you should know better and therefore not do it -.- But anywayy….I’ve done this for 3 semesters already so I know at least I’ll survive this haha. Hmm…aside from schoolwork tho me and Jimmy will try leading this week….tho I have all that schoolwork I listed earlier, THIS is what I’m most nervous about…I can’t believe I will actually be doing it too…I mean I know I was gonna try eventually but..yeaa….idk…the day actually came haha. I know I need to definitely pray about it tho. There’s quite a couple of stuff I need to pray about actually. It’s like everyday I am reminded just iow weak I actually am. But luckily w/that i am reminded just how much I need god. My strength is in him ALONE. Sometimes I wish my thoughts could just be read by the computer or something…would make things easier esp since my brain moves ten times faster than my hands -.- I feel so scatter-brain right now…jumping from one thing to another.

Saturday is the iron chef….getting excited about it…Maybe pretty true about what Dan said about it being a time for me to finally share my hertiage, my filipinoness hahaha. The only time us when I’m at home. Not even anything really w/friends back home. Would be good for it to be more organized but I think we’ll be fine…in the end we can only do our best…it’s already written in stone too in the sense that god’d will will be done! We do a lot of things last minute tho so this will be ok too. God, I ask for our guidance tho.

I am in GOOD hands because I AM IN GOD’S HANDS.

It’s funny how you think you know but then you learn you actually DON’T know….or at least for me..I feel like I’m back at the beginning, trying to figure out where to even start. I have so many potential plans/things I want to possibly do for this summer and while I’m still in college. Yea that’s quite a large time frame I’ve set up for myself and even you to imagine. Hmm…starting with this summer…I want to definitely be active in someway..physically active..just doin something. At the top of the list there’s finding a job, mainly since I will be living an apt for next year and the lease already starts June, but school starts aug. With the job I’ll be using the money to already start paying rent. My mom would help me out but there is a lot of weight on her back that I want to help her out by having the majority, if not all, the rent money come from me. This will be my first job, if lord willing I will find one. If that fails I would want to try to find some volunteering/internship-ish opportunity. If that fails there is mission in new orleans this summer ti consider too. Though it will be my first mission trip EVER ive some building curiosity to know what it would be like and to go to new Orleans and try to help there if there was some way. The world isn’t just new jersey, Philly or the US. Its sooo mucb bigger and different than what I see everyday. I think that’s what i enjoy most about traveling when I get the chance to go….. I get to see how big this world really is. That probably sounded a bit cliche or w/e but ITS aDefinITelsome doubt a day would look like the ones before it if I could visit a new city each month it week even. That would be my ultimate dream but OMGOODNESS that would require me to seriously be a millionaire or someone along those lines with the amount of money one year of doing that would cost. ….and that is why it is and will always be a dream…haha. Wow got off topic OPPS…if all those fail there’s always the option of becoming a fulltime bum at home…sounds tempting, I gotta admit (YOU WOULD TOO) BUT it is DEF A LAST RESORT….but w/e it may be I definitely need to build up my resume b/c as of right now it’s COMPLETELY BLANK minus one volunteering event in high school but THAT’S IT soo yeaa. Ohh how the future looks that much scarier when I think of it…sure there’s still time but not as much as before. But at the same time GOD IS ALWAYS PROVIDES. And in his own way he takes care of his children.

It’s only wednesday, my third day of break but yet it feels like it’s been at least a month w/how things have been going. They definitely could be better. I was excited for spring break but now find myself looking forward for it to end….to leave already. It could be the fight w/my dad talking and I know to some degree it is. Did not expect it at all but don’t really take back how I came to this point, what I said. It would just be nice if sometimes I could be understood too rather than me always being the one to have to pasensahin (as the inner pinay in me would say it) or keep excusing (as the americanized me would say) my dad. B/c to even try to explain myself to have him understand is like talking to a wall. He won’t hear me. Part of me wants to just be ignorant and act the same way back. To fight against it is tiring….it has been tiring and just not fair. Yes it’s the classic..”it takes two to tango” or “two can play that game” reaction. And to some extent I can be justified b/c he’s been doing it to me too! ….but that doesn’t solve anything nor make things better. I think though through this god is teaching me patience….not only w/my dad but w/the rest if my life and what’s to come.

So father god please forgive me for not trusting in you. I try to make my own plans while you have already made mine out already. While I have my own ideas you father have something already ready for me that is definitely better than I could ever imagine and fr more great than I deserve. That is how sovereign you are.

well…on spring break now! definitely happy to have a break from school, though it’s only a week, but regardless i don’t have to deal w/school work! soo YAY haha.

in the beginning of this week i was excited to go home just b/c i missed it. i especially missed my mom and my sister and just how things seemed to always feel good when we were together…got to have some girl times HAHA. but being home, it’s started off a bit differently than i thought. coming home yesterday, i wasn’t quite sure how i felt exactly…and being as in physically being in the house. i did feel a sense of distance though. distance of the time since winter break. and it did feel weird…didn’t exactly feel comfortable with the feeling though. but there was not really much of anything i could do.

being home for a full day, well i slept until 2 soo being home for the rest of the day…HAHA…i’m realizing a little how much i sometimes don’t like to come home. coming home i have to face some of the things i don’t really want to face.

dad being one of the main ones. some times i come to realize i do not know grace until i am home, until i see just how much grace is in my mom and dad’s relationship. my dad can be too much of a rock sometimes. describing him as a rock i mean that he is unchanging and closed. sometimes too closed for his own good too. and it sucks a lot. it sucks when you try to say something but come to realize there was no point since the person wasn’t really listening to you in the first place. it sucks knowing you’re talking to a wall most of the time, fighting a wall. using all your strength for nothing. and it hurts knowing that all the things you feel aren’t really known or fail to be communicated to the person.

….these are some deep feelings i’m letting out and venting, you could say….which is true. hah. i am. there was an incident not too long ago earlier today that just really frustrated me. it didn’t actually involve myself but i spoke out against my dad about something he said that was out of line…completely out of line. no matter how mad a person can be, there are still lines and things that shouldn’t be said and controlled. because even if you are mad, even if you are letting out your anger, words are not just words. there are meanings behind them. and though there are things you say when you’re mad and you say you don’t mean them later, they were said for a reason and the fact that they were said cannot be taken back no matter what you say or how much you say you didn’t mean them. they were said. and being there hearing the words that were said, though they directed to me, it hurt a person i care about and it was like he spoke for the rest of my family too. which i did not like.

but as i sat there, i could not help but think how did it get to this point? how did he become like this? and for how long have i let him be like this? his own family, how could we have let him get to this point? because in some ways, i guess we are at fault too. he’s always had this anger problem but no one ever really confronted him about it and really pushed him to change. …the questions and sub-questions to the questions can go on and on and on…at least for me…

for so long i’ve just nodded my head as i listened to everything. didn’t really try to defend myself b/c i didn’t know what to say and would just end up breaking down in front of him. so to take it all in was all that i could do.

but eventually that had to change….that has to change. and so little by little i’m trying not to let things get away and just let it go. in fairness for me and him. him so he could know how i really feel. it’s hard though. but i’ve got to start somewhere i guess.